29 февраля 2020 в 15:02
116
jamie_auld This post is not intended to perpetuate the stigma that eating disorders only come in one shape and size, but rather to convey the reality behind an often glamorized aspect of mental illness. In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week - Losing weight isn’t glamorous, it’s wearing leggings for weeks on end because your favorite clothes no longer fit. It’s always forgetting that one word because your brain is malnourished. You never celebrate when you hit your “goal weight” because the goal weight constantly lowers, and you never feel adequate. The body you’re shriveling into with pale skin and bags under your eyes isn’t one you would ever want to promote. Meals out with friends turn into interventions where your therapist and dietitian tell you they’re afraid you’re going to die. Eventually, the “freedom” and “happiness” the eating disorder gives you becomes a ticket to treatment and the eradication of all day-to-day liberties. No job, no time with your friends, no choice over what you eat, no privacy in the bathroom, becoming physically locked inside the confines of barren white walls, the list goes on and on. Existing in a smaller body isn’t freeing, you’re life itself shrinks proportionally.
25 февраля 2020 в 22:02
204
jamie_auld When I was a little girl, nothing felt impossible. The world was a mystical wonderland of potential. My core being was filled with imagination, optimism and light. Then things changed. Slowly but surely, the imagination was replaced with calculation of calories. My optimism turned into depression. The disorder that promised me beauty and success, left my sickly shrinking body void of its luster and determination.
You see, eating disorders aren’t a “quirky” personality trait that only affect privileged white women. They’re insidious entities that drain sufferers of the will to live. They don’t discriminate against any race, gender, socioeconomic class or age. Eventually, the passing days become a countdown to the end, with incessant pleading for the inner torment to stop. Eating disorders aren’t a choice. They hijack your brain and trick you into believing their dark lies. This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. I want to honor those who have lost the battle and those still in the war for their life. There is hope and recovery is possible, no matter how bleak things feel.
02 августа 2019 в 11:08
597
jamie_auld A lot can happen in one year. A lot did happen within the past year. The past year has been a never-ending merry-go-round of recovery and relapse. Each time the ride stopped and I found myself on my feet, the eating disorder snuck back in and catapulted the ride to a new lightening speed. As much as I’ve fought bulimia this year, I also clung onto it desperately. The eating disorder was me. How do you let go of yourself? I don’t expect anyone who hasn’t gone through an eating disorder to understand, but the truth is eating disorders cause your brain to trick itself. Dangerous and extreme behaviors are instantly justified with faulty logic that feels sound. “You’re not allowed eat this if you want people to respect you and love you. You must purge to make up for eating that, or else your life will be in shambles. You have to wake up early to exercise. You deserve punishment. You’ve let yourself go and become a gluttonous, fat, weak-willed coward.” What nobody from the outside can see is the inescapable inner torment. Though I thought I was rid of this insidious demon. It tricked me. That’s why I’m letting go. I’m going to gift myself the next year to make recovery my #1 priority. My privilege is not lost on me, and I do not take it lightly. Monday will be my last day at Grey, and Wednesday I admit to an inpatient facility in Oklahoma. They say on average it takes 5-7 treatment stays to recover from a severe eating disorder, but this WILL be my last stay. I’m surrendering to recovery. Rather than fighting the system and therapy, I’m going to lean in. I now know I can’t listen to the narrative playing in my head so I’m going to listen to the professionals around me. I have yet to discover the real Jamie, the healthy and happy one, but boy am I excited to find her over the next few months.
jamie_auld A year ago today I entered my first residential stay at an eating disorder treatment center. I naively thought it would be a one and done situation, but ten years of anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, anxiety and depression can’t be erased in one month. With my combined stays at four different centers, I ended up spending 6 months of this year in treatment. Though I still have a ways to go, I’ve gained so much insight into myself and what really matters in this world that I wouldn’t change my course for anything. I learned how to feel and express my emotions. I learned the causes of my actions. No regrets or shame, only understanding and acceptance.
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